alchera twenty-seven option five.

general/option no. five: for some reason unknown, the powers that be have decided to let you be in charge, and as a result you will be given the world. (not on a silver platter, but don't complain.) you have achieved what thousands have failed to do before you. now what? what would your first day be like? what would you do? who would you appoint as leaders? who would you shove into prison first? be creative and have a fun! after all, the world is yours.

first things first, i’d fill in an appeal form and put it up for consideration. i think my request ‘i wish i had a dog’s life’ got lost in translation somewhere down the line. but since i’m here and i have all this at my disposal, i might as well give it a whirl till it gets approved in several years' time. sounds like fun, anyway, all this responsibility.

alright, just to get myself warmed up, i’ll give mtv a call and pitch to them the greatest reality tv show the world has ever seen. we’ll get a witty title like the ones they have for all those other shows (‘marital blitz’). when the tv crew’s in place and the film’s rolling, my first order of business will be to get on a direct line to donald trump and then tell him, live on international television, that he’s fired.

i’ll go with michael moore on one thing and make oprah the united states’ first female and non-white president. george bush will be made to stand in front of a camera and do nothing and there will be a separate channel on television in every country just for people to watch him stand there, take a pee, scratch his head, have a drink, sleep, (but never leave the camera’s view or change clothes), etc., 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

i will institute the amazing race as an olympic sport. the olympics will be conducted old-school. no clothes. laurel wreaths to the winners. gold medals to me.

i will make daily television appearances, each time sporting a different fake attachment, such as a moustache or really geeky looking spectacles. i will also try on various accents.

i would plan for a concert every fortnight that runs for 24 hours and has every imaginable brilliant artiste live in front of hundreds of thousands of people at various venues around the world. coldplay will perform for me, personally.

speaking of which, i will take it unto myself to give that poor child a future and rechristen the coldplay’s lead singer’s child with a less absurd name. such as jane martin.

pikachu of the pokemon series will be announced as the antichrist of the year 2004. hello kitty is slated for 2005.

the subway diet will be officially recognised as an acceptable way of life.

david beckham will be made to announce to the entire world from a small, damp press conference room that “i am the biggest git in the entire universe.” he well then be made to tattoo the word “git” on his forehead. his wife will be banned from any involvement in any sort of recording medium.

sepp blatter, the head of fifa, will be made chelsea owner roman abramovich’s maidservant for all eternity. he will have to wear assless sequined pants and speak like betty boop.

igor biscan will be cloned and an entire team of him will replace manchester united in the english premier league. supporting manchester united will be outlawed.

we will play a little game. we’ll take several small islands and put several hundred people on each of them, each with homogeneous demographics. we will implement certain forms of governance (ie. communism, autocracy, democracy, dictatorship, military rule, etc) exclusively on each of these islands and after five or ten years we’ll see which one turns out the best in the most important aspects (ie. general well-being of its citizens, political apathy, social structures, population happiness, literacy, etc) and then using a magical formula we will decide which one the whole world should adopt. alternatively, we will write down these types on small pieces of paper, put them in a hat and then draw one out.

paris hilton will be indefinitely jailed.

i’ll write to mom and tell her that i told her so.

sony corporation will make me the most powerful playstation ever. and a 22 player multi-tap. and a 100-inch screen.

i will have a talking parrot that will sit on my shoulder and verbally abuse reporters.

i will hire the ex-minister for information of the now-defuct iraqi baath party government to handle all my public relations. he will also be the united nations ambassador for miseducation.

kofi annan will be replaced by a more hands-on, no-nonsense character. such as mr t.

just to see what happens, eminem will be indefinitely jailed together with survivor winner richard hatch. only one set of clothes will be given to the inmates to share.

arnold schwarzenegger will made the mayor of poughkeepsie.

he will not be back.

peter jackson, under duress, will be forced to make the fourth part of the lord of the rings trilogy. and david blaine will teach me all his tricks and promise never to teach anyone else how to fly.

get fuzzy, dilbert, foxtrot, the far side and sherman’s lagoon will be made required reading in all high schools.

my motto will be ‘this bus goes to merseyside’ except that it’s not pronounced bahs but boos. why? because i can.

you’ll never walk alone will be made the national anthem of a small, unimportant country such as holland.

once my appeal has been approved by the powers that be (whom by then i would have positively identified as elvis) , as my last act before i leave my post as leader of the (free) world, i will send out a private memo to reality-tv-star george.

just to inform him that his pants are on backwards.